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Losing vs. Winning

Someone smart once said, 'The day you wake up, look in the mirror and accept what you see, is the say you lose the game.'
I can't help thinking how true this is, and the way I'm going, I will never lose the game. In fact, I try not to look in the mirror anymore. I hate the person looking back at me. I don't even know who she is anymore. I used to be so pretty, what the hell happened? Oh yeah, I got fat.
Thing is, if I think, for one minute I'm average sized, I will end up being okay with my body. Who wants to be okay with their body, based on a lie. I'm not an average. I'm a large. Big fatty fat fat. Eughhh I hate it. I need more self control. More total control.

-BB

The meaningless girl is back.

There's no beating round the bush with this one. I hate myself. I hate myself with a passion. I wish I was a skinny as the next girl, but I'm not. I went up 4lbs in the last 2 days. I don't know how, but the scales don't lie. I was searching thinspo fr my art project, after watching a programme with a mia kid in it, and something inside me just kicked off. I don't know what it was, all I know is, I NEED to get thinner. I'm surrounded by stunning and thin girls on a day to day basis, and I can't exactly get prettier, so I have to get thinner. So, I've decided to attempt ana again. Yeah, I've been here before, I know how damn hard it is. My problem is, I always think, 'One more day, then I'll start.' But one day turns into a week, and before you know it, I'm 10lbs heavier than before. I've always hated myself and had problems with my self-image, but if I can do this, then I can do anything.

I hate having to buy a size 10-12. I want to be a size 6-8. And I would love to be a 2 digit weight in lbs. That's my long term goal. My weight now is 128.9lbs. My short term goal is to be 120lbs. So hopefully, this plan will work. I've picked up a few tips along the way:
1. Eat Ice if you get peckish.

2. If you cut up an apple into 6 pieces, you can eat 1 every 2 hours.

3. Stall, meaning if you keep telling yourself you will eat on the hour, hold off for 10 minuets and then tell yourself you have to wait another hour because you missed your chance.

4. If the thinspo ain't working for you, look at pics of fat chicks. They put you right off food.

5. Eat infront of a mirror and see how disgusting you look.

-BB

Long time, no see

Well, haven't been on here in a long time.
Considering I'm bored and confuzzled, I think I'll blog again :)
Well yesterday was... Interesting. Go to the cinema with a boyfriend, and there's no chance you'll catch ANY of the movie. I ended up wanting more for a short time. After the film, we make our way out, I push him against the toilet door. He asks me if there's anyone in there, I say no. And so it goes...
Oh dear. I almost had sex with him in a toilet cubicle. Oh dear.
Not a night I want to remember, but not a night I want to forget, all the same.
Having trouble striking a conversation after that incident, but hopefully, it'll kick off again?
Oh god. I've really screwed up this time...
-BB

Happy Birthday to me!!!!!

Getting a bit tired of hearing this now..... Oh well. My day can never be too good!!!
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday dear Myself,
Happy birthday to me!

Oh yesss. On the verge of an early mid-life crisis!
Some amount of years ago, you created the awesomest person in my life, with a positive streak of vanity. Good night 16th of October. I love you.

A day in the life of a meaningless girl

I am me. I am meaningless. That doesn't matter. It doesn't need to mean anything. We have all we need. No meaning, no point. It's blunt. I don't need to think there's a reason for being, or that there is some line to follow. In fact, I sincerely hope there isn't a guideline. I am happy being meaningless. Yeah. A meaningless life. I don't mean anything. I can be someone but it won't mean anything because when life comes to an end, what I will matter? Will it be the fact that there was no point to life? Or will it be that maybe there is nothing to come in the afterlife? No. It will be how I've lived and how happy I am with my life. Have lived up to my expectations? I hope that answer will be yes but I don't want it to come now but I also shouldn't wait.
Tell you what I should do. I should get some sleep.
-BB

Too late for pancakes?

Mmmmmm. Ice cream. Is it sad that these simple luxuries make my day. So what if it is. It's my day. No-one else's. And it's 11 'o' clock and I'm eating pancakes. Too late for pancakes? Never. Too late for ice cream? Never. Too late for toast? Never. Too late for coffee? Maybe. I have 2 pancakes left for tomorrow. I make good pancakes. Not the small fat ones. The crepe like ones. Yummmmm. I am young. I am tired yet wide awake. (Because of the coffee. Stupid really. Should buy decaf next time.) I feel sick. I have to get up at 9 tomorrow and it's now 10 past 1. Yoga. Not right now. Pancakes. Sounds good. Ice cream. Do I have to say more?